Moving in with My Abusive Boyfriend: A Relationship Dilemma

Dear Christine, I HAVE BEEN seeing this guy for almost two years. He lives on one side of the island, and I live on the other side, but we see each other every other weekend.

My boyfriend has been expecting me to move in with him, since I will soon be getting a job on his side of the island. I love him very much and do not want to lose him, but I am terrified of moving from my comfortable home. Our relationship has been pretty bad at points in the last year, including emotional and physical abuse on some occasions. He says that will all stop and that being together under one roof will change all of this. I am worried that moving won’t make things better and I will end up living a life filled with abuse.

I have told him I cannot move in with him because I am afraid things won’t change. I am not ready to call it quits though. I want to take the new job and give the relationship time to see if he really does the things he says he is going to do in order to change. I do not want to move in with him until I feel safe. He says he is not having it and that if I take the job and stay where I am, he is done with me.

I do not know what to do. Can he change? Is this relationship worth working on?

– R.R. Dear R.R, It’s a loud no from me regarding your two questions. Please, break up with this controlling abuser immediately. He is not going to change, and your relationship is not going to get any better.

It is clear that he is manipulative and does not care about you or your best interests. He probably wants to make you think you are the most important person in the world to him, that he loves you more than anyone else, and that what you have together is super special. But when the word “abuse” comes up in any relationship, that’s the time to put on your running shoes and run as fast as you can.

Guys like him are a dime a dozen and I hear about them all the time, often from women who have married them and had children with them and have a much harder time disentangling their lives from them. You are lucky in that you can pretty seamlessly disentangle your life from his and move on, which is what I implore you to do.

You have a lot going for you. Do not let this man derail you from your goals and lock you into what will surely be a continued abusive, unhappy, really awful relationship.

– CHRISTINE