Navigating Uncertainty in a Relationship: Understanding a Partner's Hesitation Towards Marriage

He seems unsure about marrying me

Dear Christine, I HAVE BEEN friends with this man for two years. We get along really well, have a lot in common, and seem to want the same things for our lives. We do not currently live together, but he helps me with some of my financial obligations.

Here is the problem.

He is going through a really bad divorce. He has two children – a 16-year-old girl, and an 11-year-old boy. The girl lives with him full time, and he has 50/50 custody of the boy. The girl and I get along well, but I am not allowed to be around the boy. So, my boyfriend and I get to spend about half of our time together when his son is around.

I do want to get married at some point in time, but he is unsure if he will be able to marry me. He goes through periods of feeling extremely guilty about this, and he withdraws from the relationship.

He stops communicating his feelings during that time. If I tell him I think we should break up, he says no, but he is having trouble being in a relationship despite wanting to be in the said relationship. It feels like he wants to break up without having to do it himself, but if I ask him if this is the case, he denies it.

I do not know how much more time I am supposed to give for him to come around. Do I wait for his divorce to be final and see if his attitude changes? Do I split now and save myself the heartache?

Do I give him a time limit for this behaviour? Please, what do I do?

– R.D. Dear R.D., If a guy is still legally married and you are not allowed to ever be around his son, whom he has partial custody of, and he is not sure he will ever be able to marry you despite your desire to get married at some point, and he regularly withdraws from the relationship, stops communication with you, and seems to have trouble even being in the relationship, I would not be investing any more time or energy into this relationship if I were you.

This man has some stuff he needs to settle and figure out, and it seems that being with you is distracting him from doing so. Certainly, having unsettled affairs is distracting him from having a closer relationship with you.

I would say adiós for now and move on. Leave a window of opportunity cracked for the future if his situation and feelings ever change but go live your life without sitting around waiting for him to come around.

– CHRISTINE